I arrived in Bangkok late in the evening on the 30th of November. The taxi ride was as monotonous as any other I’ve been in, if not reminiscent of the city life I’ve been missing. Bangkok in first impressions alone is not what I expected. After spending the summer in a country (Bali) where traditions are held close to the heart, while seemingly opening its doors to the modern world. Bangkok is a city the broke down its doors to the modern world long ago. It’s vibrant busy, and full of mystery. It make you feel safe and a little on edge, but that’s a common feeling when your a single female traveler. \240

Coming to this city I came blind. To explain this I have to you a little backstory. I’ve loved traveling for as long as I can remember. My family and friends also seem to tell me that I’m brave for traveling alone. Like the world is so big and scary that a girl should be afraid to venture so far and do so alone. However everytime have have left Home there has always been someone in the other end waiting for me to come. A family member or organization waiting to pick me up and take me to my planned summer. Where there was not blood relation and solidified friendships. There were new people and shared expierences to bond us. Those experiences were always done without a care. There is comfort in knowing that you have someone to fall back on. However, this trip to Bangkok is different.

Coming here is coming without a safety net. My family at home and flying off to another part of the world. My friends chilling on couches in a beautiful smoky haze. No fancy program or organization to tell me how to get around and what to do. The one thing I do have is a friend named Krissie. A friend maid by forming a shared experience. She is the reason I’m in Bangkok. I guess we could call her a mini safety net, but one with a high risk of failing. Not that by any means that krissie is unreliable or I knowledgeable. But I’m way that I’m on her time and she has a job to do in Bangkok. So when she isn’t here I have to do thing on my own. That is territory I am quickly finding out is resting my hermit like tendencies. Leaving me kind of blind and resting my social skills.

Being blind in a country is something I am trying to embrace. It is done by throwing every stereotype heard about a place out of the window. Otherwise the whole time spent in a place might be deemed null and void, because of the fear of the unknown. Fear of being robbed or kidnapped. Fear of being alone and the preditors that seem to lurk everywhere. Everyone becoming a bad guy. I had to throw all that out of the window, because fear is something I have lived with for a very long time and I’ve just started my battle with it. I hate being scar d of the world, but at the same time wanting to participate in it. So this trip I’ve made a resolution. If I see something I wanna do I’m going to give it my best attempt. I’m going to try to silence the voice listing the 101 way I could die just getting to it’s location. Because if I’ve learned anything in the past couple months, it’s that life works in mysterious ways. You’ll only regret what you don’t try. The things that fail when you try are experience and tales for the wary. But most importantly they are memories and growth. So my goal for this trip starting today is give into the spirit of Bangkok, and try new thing. Let my limitation lie, and put adventure in the future re front on my mind. I’m excited to be metaphorically blind for the rest of this trip. Maybe I’ll end up somewhere I never thought I’d be.

Remember my whole speech about giving into fear. Well that seems harder to achieve in real life than on paper. The funniest thing is that external fear feeds the fear with oneself. So far I have these magical dreams about my time in Bangkok with my friend who I thought was the freeist spirit I knew. But I’m starting to realized that maybe she’s not free but as lost as I am. We’re just two lost souls, circulation different orbits trying to find the same thing.

These past few days have had me really thinking about my life direction and where I want it to go. It’s easier to thing about it when you don’t have family pressure weighing you down. The pressure to keep traditions or keep your family happy. I’ve always been so independent and to be depended on by other people makes that hard. And instead of embracing them I only push. Almost like I’m trying to run as har and as fast as I can in the opposite direction to snap the band that bind us together. However, I’ve realized in the past couple months that this band that I share with my family isn’t one that can be broken only stretched. Sometimes to thin and at time so tight you can breath. But it’s always there and invisible support. This invisible support also worries me, because what happens when it’s gone? This is one of my biggest fears in life the fear of losing someone and becoming lost. So I stay close in fear that something might happen. But in doing that it makes me miss out on life. I think what I need to do is to jump into something full steam ahead. Blindly with no preconceptions.

I have to learn to accept that the world is a force that no one person can control. It will turn no matter how big of an impact you have. The only thing that matters is how you used each revolution the world took to turn. Was it a year of sorrow? Of growth? Or one of changes? These are the things I can control. So I am going challenge myself to take leaps and may the revolutions of the world into revolutions of my character.

This trip has really made me think about what I want in life. Krissie works so hard and loves what she does. She just knows that her heart is starched to another land. Why does it seem so easy for those around us to find their calling or passion. And why is it so hard for me to figure out what exactly that is.

I mean the closest \240I’ve gotten lately is shopping. Which is a bad passion to have if you’re broke. I’m really trying to figure this thing out. How do people make it look so easy and yet so utterly unatainable.

It’s like this huge roadblock in my life. Until I get to a certain point I can move on to the next level.