Traveling solo to a retreat and trying to find your place among almost 200 other women isn’t necessarily an easy feat. Especially for a complete introvert. I wasn’t afraid, but not entirely at comfortable either.
Yet, I did it. I didn’t fall into a group, but the group as a whole. It seems I was always sitting with new people. Sometimes ones I’d had the chance to sit with before would be there too, but a constant rotating exposure to new people, new women.
Not only was I meeting new women, but there were introductions of new perspectives, new concepts, and new promises to myself.
The main presenter was Liz Gilbert. She had us work with our fear, our enchantments, and the potential that we may not be fulfilling our potential as an individual based on a long ingrained duty to the collective.
With the consideration that perhaps we don’t owe anything, especially ourselves, to the collective, we wrote letters to whatever person, organization or entity that may be attempting to keep us as part of a whole, at the expense of our individuality.
In a condensed version what does that mean? Guilt, and guilt trips placed upon us by those who are theatened by our personal transformations. Most people don’t like change. Some people feel so jeopardized by others doing so, changing, they consciously, and even subconsciously, attempt to sabotage their friends and family members new habits and life choices. An example being that friend who chides you for not sharing desert when having some is in opposition to new food choices you’ve made for yourself. Or, the family that reprimands, or maybe even calls you names, for choosing to no longer take part in their toxic ways of relating to one another.
Breaking free of what’s expected isn’t usually easy. Choices like these always come with repercussions, even if personally it’s the best choice or option. Holding steadfast and weathering those repercussions can be even more difficult than making the choice to face them in the first place.
During this week, we as women, granted each other permission to persue one specific enchantment. One thing that makes us happy, lights us up. Almost 200 women giving synchronized, verbal permission for each person there to do a simple daily ritual just for themselves, or go all in on that grandiose idea that the day before was no more than an unspoken thought. Pretty damn powerful stuff.
If, however, you find yourself asking what’s that point of that? The point is this, we all have a list. A list of things we want to do. A list of things we know would make us all tingly and excited to be accomplishing. As well, we all should have a list of things we have done, or currently do, a list of things that right now can put us in that happy, warm place of our very own.
These are the things we should be prioritizing in our lives. These are the things we should be doing more of so we are in that happy place as often as we can be. Unfortunately, these are also the things that sometimes as women, we are deprived of, we deprive ourselves of. Or while we really, really want to, we are too “insert any excuse that suits” to do. We are too scared, it would seem too uncharacteristic, what would people think excuses. This was a way for the whole to give each woman’s desire validation if needed. It was also a way to gently push them to commit to making at least one of these want to do things a priority and, or, encouraging them to incorporate and prioritize more of the ones they already know make them happy.
Liz Gilbert, you are shiny, bright and crystal clear. Unlike these particular photos, which are not.
We also worked with grief. It is a common bond that ties humanity together. We all grieve for someone, a loved who passed, someon we simply miss, or something we lost. Grief is as unique as the individual, as is the path they take through it.
Where I am personally is feeling like we are the creators of the majority of our own grief. We are really good, super talented at making ourselves miserable.
There is unavoidable grief. We can’t change death, it inevitably comes, and we will miss those it takes.
Then there is the avoidable kind, the kind we give birth to and keep creating. We can’t control others, or undo their very personal choices. Yet we will berate ourselves for not being able to stop it, to not have done things differently thinking that we had any control. We stay in bad relationships. We choose to keep habits that don’t serve us. For a multitude of reasons, or excuses, we don’t do things we want to and then have regrets. Which is just grief in another form.
Years ago I decided not to be the cause of my own grief any more. Four years ago in keeping with that choice, I made some radical decisions and did some radical things. I lost relationships, and damaged others. I had to repair those I wanted to keep. It wasn’t the best way to go about things, it certainly wasn’t conventional. Yet, because of it I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. If needed, I’d do it all again. Certainly, I’d be more thoughtful about the process, but ultimately I’d make the same choices.
I also realize we are in a continual state of evolution. Because of this continual evolution, we never completely know ourselves and must perpetuate getting to relearn ourselves our entire lives. The evolution occurs whether we want it to or not. Things we have no control over, no choice in, like death, change us. Things we choose change us. We must constantly adapt and keep thriving despite change, especially change that is unwanted.
There was far more offered for us to explore than what the lovely and wise \240Liz Gilbert gave us. Workshops of every sort, art, yoga, running, energy healing, sex, love, family, were there for us to dabble in. If someone went with a specific goal in mind, perhaps healing a part of themselves, the opportunity was there to start working on, or continuing that process.
I didn’t go to Fij because I felt broken, because I needed to heal , or because felt like I was needing to find myself. Some may have, their experience is just different from mine. I see myself as a puzzle. Not one missing some of it’s pieces, just a puzzle whose pieces are still being put in the right places, finding where all those many pieces fit.
If we look at ourselves like a jigsaw puzzle, there are images which might define us. We might see pictures of ourselves as mothers, as daughters, as friends and wives, what we do for a living. But, if you step back, you see what’s in the immediate surround. We are more than the titles given to us by others, by society. We are artists, dreamers, explorers, lovers, healers, makers, and creators. Step back a little farther, and you see even a little farther, a little more. We are light, spirit, and energy. Another step back and the horizon comes into focus. Which is infinite, as are we, as is our potential. We just need to take the time, and have the space to step back and away, to remind ourselves that we can’t be shrunk down to any one thing.
As individuals, and as women, we are evolving and we are revolting. We are as varied and vibrant as the flora and sea life you find on Fiji. We have been revolting since the dawn of time, but it feels like that movement is gaining it’s momentum. That is why I came to Fiji, to get to know all the parts of myself, and to be with people, especially women, who can help guide me through my personal evolution, and through the feminine revolution.
We are tired of being told we are too much of \240this, or too much of that. Or, we are too little of something else, not enough of everything. We are enough, and never too much, just as we are. However, every time we dive beneath the surface and remind ourselves of the color that is there in each of us, that we forget about, or the world tampers down, we bring that color back with us to the surface. Which then we share, becaue that’s what women do. Which in turn inspires, our fellow women, and the world as a whole. The world needs us, in all of our color, as we are, not as they tell us to be.
(I’d love to show you the brilliantly colored fish I saw snorkeling. Except, I was like, “No,I won’t need that GoPro.” 🤷🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️)
There is a great line in the movie World War Z. \240 \240 \240 “Those that keep moving survive.” Of course, he was referring to staying alive during a zombie apocalypse, but, whatever, the tenet holds true. If we keep moving forward through our own lives, we survive. Not only that, but we thrive and flourish. If we stay stagnant, frozen, energetically and spiritually we die. We may physically still haunt this earth, but we will move through it like a ghost. Deprived of enthusiasm, joy and power within our lives. We will simply drift on by. When change comes, and it will, we must adapt and change too.
In order to keep moving forward, not only must we adapt, we have to challenge what we feel is possible. We have to not stay comfortable. Comfortable is easy. We can do it all day, every day. What we need to do is follow those moments of lightening strikes. We need to be curious about those moments when something is so exciting the felling is palpable. Those instances that create a visceral response in you, when you cry for no reason becaue whatever was said resonates in your soul or, when an idea makes the hair on your arms stand up. Not only does the idea excite you, but it scares the shit out of you. If we are curious enough, brave enough, to follow those moments, and where they lead, those are the times we find those pieces of ourselves, of our puzzle, that we could feel, that we knew were there, but never bothered to acknowledge, notice, or otherwise incorporate into our lives. But they are the pieces that matter the most. Then, not only do we live, but we survive, fully and whole.
As relunctant as I was to call the Uber to the airport, I can only say thank you to the voice in my head that whispered...”Just go, you can always just sit on the beach.” While we were free to come and go as we wanted, to choose what activities and workshops we wanted to be a part of, beach time was not something I had an abundance of. The women and the tools they offered us so we could explore, play, learn and imagine were as brilliant and enticing as the turquoise waters beckoning from the lagoon. I felt pulled both directions, but ultimately chose more of the workshops and discussions. No matter where you were, in a workshop, floating in the sea, walking on the sand, your heart was full.
It was a week full of lush, vivid landscapes, awe inducing sunsets, harmonious voices, giving \240hearts, and beautiful souls. I know when I stepped aboard the ferry to leave, I was taking back with me more than what I came with. (What I took didn’t put me over my baggage weight allowance either. Laugh if you like, but the fees for that are anything but funny.) In all seriousness though, I went with no expectations, in hopes of not being disappointed, and what I left with was more than I could have imagined.
My sincere desire is that every woman that stepped off the island and boarded that ferry felt the same. I pray you all found what you needed, or found what you never knew you wanted. May we never forget one another. We all left with pieces of each other. May we go our own ways honoring each other, ourselves, and all the women we surround ourselves with. May we meet again.
