That is not Chardonnay. I am currently sleeping in a three bedroom bungalow with no heating (save for a gas fire in the lounge); no plumbing (definitely no toilets) and no hot water. There is one power socket functioning and an extension lead is currently my bestest friend. First job of the morning (pun intended) is a trip to the public toilets in Kilgetty. How has life come to this?? Popped into the Coop and got some bread, butter and marmalade. Spoke to Margaret ‘next door’ when I got back. That’s where she lives; it’s not her surname. I don’t know what her surname is actually. Anyway, her husband - Ken ‘next door’, died at the end of January. He wasn’t a well man. Sad though.

No sooner had I sat down to enjoy my breakfast in the fridge that is Gran’s bungalow, when the boys from ‘Frame’ came to collect some furniture that Justin hasn’t been able to sell. Nice old boys. Bungalow a bit emptier and the table in the picture has now left the building. Joyous time spent sorting bin bags for a tip run later, then did some stripping in the hallway - wallpaper!

Stripping wallpaper is sort of therapeutic; up to a point. Situation not helped by the fact that the only water available for the steamer is from the fishpond. Not surprisingly the aroma is quite pungent after a while. Dropped 18 bags off at Tenby tip then went to garden centre for lunch. Very nice, but probably three times the cost of lunch in Portugal!!!

Drove across the Cleddau Bridge (75p) and into Haverfordwest. Had some correspondence with Melanie, the estate agent in Castelo Branco. Ended up speaking to her a couple of times on the phone. Possible progress? We will see. Chickens will not be counted etc.

Back to Project Fridge and another 45 minutes stripping. Not easy with one poxy light. Packed up about seven and watched a bit more of a documentary about Sunderland on Netflix.

Just up from the beach cafe are some public toilets where, in the old days, people used to go to spend a penny. How times have changed. Not only does it now cost 20p, you can now use Apple Pay, your debit \240card or even go contactless to have a poo in the morning!! Whatever next.

Went to Tenby pool at lunchtime for a swim. Weird going there. Used to go to that pool for swim in lessons at school. Bloody hated swimming then. Strange. Really enjoy it now. Need to get some new goggles. Noticed the centre bit of mine are almost separated. Pool surprisingly busy. Used my Old Spice shower gel and felt much cleaner!

Had some contact with Mistress Melanie. Things appear to be progressing nicely on the Portuguese property front. Fingers crossed.

Silly Theresa trying to convince Parliament to give her more time and to ‘hold their nerve’. What a loon.

Back to an afternoon of more stripping and sorting at Project Fridge. Making slow progress. Adjourned at 6ish. Went to Coop for provisions and popped into The Woodbridge to use facilities and get a Chardonnay!

Some old boy complimented me on the van. Cool. Back to the fridge for a pot noodle and an episode of Taskmaster on the iPad.

A morning spent stripping. Only interruption of note was watching deluded Theresa at PMQ trying to convince everyone that she wasn’t responsible for delaying the Brexit process????

Another tip run before lunch. Wonder how many bags I’ve taken from Gran’s house??

Tenby tip closed today, so off to Pembroke Dock.. Went to ‘Williams’ cafe in Pembroke for a small ham sandwich which was lovely but three times the cost of lunch in Portugal! Is this mantra getting boring??

Drove to Tenby and jet washed the van. Margaret looked sparkling but my trainers were plastered in mud and van cack afterwards! Bought cheap microwave meal from Sainsbury’s (no pot noodle today!!).

Popped to Saundersfoot to the Captain’s Table/Cabin/Cat - can never remember which for swift vino and use of facilities!

Back to watch another episode ‘Sunderland ‘til I die’ on Netflix. Very good. Poor old Simon Grayson got sacked last night.

Adeus.

Found two ten shilling notes in a vase!!! Am I rich?? Justin rang with a change of plan. Can I pick him up from his place and take him over to Narberth? Yes, of course.

Drove to Justin’s and was temporarily blinded by the plethora of bright yellow vans on his drive. Well two of them. Quick coffee and onwards to Narberth to drop Margaret off to have rear spoilers attached. Justin collected his Passat and deposited me at Whitland station where I waited until 12:35 for the 12:11 train to Carmarthen!

Are Welsh people as interesting characters as Portuguese? I will try and use skill, cunning and photographic subterfuge to investigate further!!

Arrived safely in Carmarthen. The sun is shining! Hungry now. Ventured into ‘The Warren’ and ordered cawl - Gran would have been proud! Funky cola too.

Cawl (traditional Welsh lamb broth for the uninitiated) was very good. Nice cheese and crusty bread. Heard the woman behind ask for extra bread with hers!! Good god.

Often wonder about the other people sat around me when having lunch etc. There’s a woman on a table to my right with an incredibly squeaky voice. Ever so slightly annoying. Everyone in here seems ever so slightly posh. Not unemployed like me, and currently sleeping on a mattress topper with no sodding toilet. Did you know that just down the road from Gran’s house, an old boy called Henry lives in the hedge by the side of the road. Has done for years apparently. Last year when the ‘beast from the east’ descended on Pembrokeshire people were understandably worried and asked the police to check on Henry. Justin was deployed and fell on his arse trying to locate him!! \240Henry wasn’t even there. He’d gone out for the evening! Gran’s Hoover is called Henry.

Afternoon spent walking round Carmarthen. Hasn’t changed much in a hundred years. Still lots of little women shuffling round the market buying rissoles and faggots. Few new shops here and there.

Back to the station for return trip to Kilgetty this time. What a lovely day. Is Spring springing?

Sergeant 69 text just as I landed in Kilgetty and just happened to be on patrol in the area. Good old boy gave me a lift to Gran’s. Interesting discussion about the council lorry from Tenby which was taking all the broken glass to another tip near Haverfordwest and didn’t realise that the truck was fugazi’d. Apparently, for about six miles between Pentlepoir and Narberth the council was spreading broken glass all over the road. Unbelievable. Not surprisingly a considerable amount of carnage was caused. Only in Wales!!

Another day, another train. 9:48 to Narberth. Will find a cafe (plus facilities!!) and hope that van will be ready in due course! Stayed up late last night watching Newsnight etc and the latest Brexit carnage. What the hell is going on??

Ten minutes and £3.70 later as if by magic I am in Narberth!!

First things first. I know I’ve mentioned this previously, but I chuckled as I tapped my Apple Watch on the toilet turnstile and the computer woman let me in to do what I needed to do. Unbelievable.

Strange artwork on the side of a building near the toilet. Not quite Portugese standards but a good effort nonetheless.

Fannied about for ages deciding where to go for breakfast. I am now in the twilight zone where it is brunch time. Messes with my head. Panic set in and I ended up in the nearest cafe ordering a breakfast omelette - a sort of compromise?? Very nice. Forgot to take picture of it. Took photo of old boy opposite instead. Lots of old people in here.

Went for a walk after the omelette and Justin called to say van ready. Collected it. Paid for it. £75. Looks neat. Mobile again. Back to Gran’s. Did a bit of tidying and mowed the lawn. Beautiful day. Very Spring like. The old boy doing the festivals got back to me. He’s having some sort of info meeting on the 28th February, so I said I will come back down for that.

Sorted my washing out and drove to Pembroke to do battle with the launderette. Bizarrely, I managed perfectly well across France, Spain and Portugal. Pembroke - no bloody idea. \240I suppose I could have used google translate, but I’m not sure that it would have helped. This woman came in so I asked her advice. We concluded that I needed to put 20p in to activate the powder dispenser. What this actually did was turn the bloody tumble drier on!! Not much use before I had actually washed my clothes!!

I thanked her very much for her assistance and bid her good day!! Managed to sort things out after that ok and got things washed and eventually dried (the right way round).

Dropped some stuff at the charity shop after doing the laundry then went swimming in Pembroke (pool very busy). Met Justin and the children in Saundersfoot for tea. Tidy burger (not pot noodle!) at The Harbwr.

Drove to Haverfordwest and got some bits from Tesco, before meeting Justin and Mia at Dale for some stealth camping. Justin had already got the chilli going on the slide pod contraption when I arrived, so we had tea early ish and then had a few drinks in the pub. Nice evening actually and back in the van by 9:30!

Had a stroll along the front to the facilities before returning to the campsite where Delia made some yummy bacon and sausage rolls for breakfast. Decent cup of tea too, with no added chemicals!

Drove back through Milford and got some fish food. Also bought some flowers for the grave and put them on as I passed through Begelly on the way back.

Good intentions to go back and do some more stripping, but weather was much improved, so had a walk round Tenby instead. Will do some later, honest. Called into ‘Cafe Dennis’ for a tea and a Welshcake before resuming stripping duties.

Started listening to Swansea’s cup game in the radio, but turned it off whenthey we’re losing 1-0 at half time. Turned it on again, when Apple Watch told me they had gone into a 2-1 lead in the second half and eventually won 4-1.

Sat and had some left over chilli that Delia gave me after the cook out last night. Nice change from Noodle Pots.

Rubbish deposited. Over to Haverfordwest for tea and toast at the garden centre we always used to go to with Gran!

Popped to the body place at Withybush to see about the possibility of having the dashboard tarted up a bit. Another Justin reckoned it might be cheaper and more easier to get a sticky kit (carbon fibre??) and they will put it on for £30. Need to do some homework on eBay to find the right kit!

Off to see Luigi the tyre man. Two ‘medium range’ tyres ordered for fitting tomorrow. Justin busy today, so drove out to St David’s. Nice bowl of cawl in the cathedral refectory. Walked round to find Nana and Daci’s grave thing. Found it much quicker than usual.

Stopped at Wickes in Haverfordwest to buy a saw (£5.80) to cut up the bloody skirting board for tomorrow’s tip run.

Routine visit to the Coop for a Pot Noodle - sure I haven’t had one for at least three days?? Flights booked to Portugal!!

Really tired. Sleep at nine. Awake at 12! Silly boy. Swansea have drawn Man City in the next round of the FA Cup. Run fast Daniel James!!

First choice - ‘The Moorings’ very busy, so down to ‘Cafe Dennis’ for tea and thick toast and a view of St Catherine’s Island.

Back over to Haverfordwest. Jet washed the van again. Gets covered in cack so quickly this time of year. Went and saw Luigi and got front tyres put on. Will get back ones installed when I’m down next. Nice old boy. £100 each. Pretty good seeing how bloody big they are!

Went for a swim at Haverfordwest pool. Did thirty lengths. They’ve got one of those ‘village’ style changing rooms. Bloody nightmare. Never know what you are supposed to do or not do in those bloody places!!

Popped to M and S and got a much needed tea and hot cross bun for £2.50. Bargain.

Radical change of direction in the Coop tonight. Bought some reduced spicy chicken wings and salad. Sorted the dining room out on return to Gran’s and also checked in for my trip to Portugal. Justin text to say he’s got serious man flu and unlikely to make it to work tomorrow!! Watched first episode of the new series of Top Gear on iPad.

Text Justin who said there is no significant improvements and he is working from home. Quite how a traffic cop works from home I don’t really know, but I didn’t want to question it! Apparently Iori has got something similar. \240Managed to park outside Paul Sartori shop in Pembroke and unloaded the stuff. Had nice chat with a hippie type bloke who complimented me on the van and asked to have a look inside. He was well impressed. Good old boy.

Back to reality and an afternoon of sorting and bloody stripping. Monotony broken by three conservatives defecting to new ‘Independent Group’. Good for them. Quite like Anna Soubry - not like that! Quite feisty.

Bought a microwave burger from coop and am considering purchasing a small bag of chips on way back. Popped into Begelly Arms for a vino and use of facilities. Last time I was in here was for Gran’s funeral!

Gorgeous day. Ham and cheese sandwich at ‘Martha’s Vineyard’. \240Nice cup of tea too.

Car hire booked for Portugal trip. Only about £40!! That’s with super duper insurance thrown in. God knows what sort of car it will be??

Drove to Tenby after lunch. Sunny, but a bit chilly. Nice walk on beach and tide right out.

Pot Noodle again - last night in the fridge for a few days. \240Listened to Question Time on radio when trying to go to sleep. There are some idiots about when it comes to Brexit. I listened to bloke on radio yesterday give good analogy about Brexit. He likened it to a person being in hospital and a doctor telling him he needed to have his arm amputated, even though his arm was fine. The doctor told the patient that all the staff in the hospital had a vote and 52% felt it was best for his arm to come off. \240The doctor knew it was the wrong thing to do, but the majority of the people in the hospital had voted for it, so he felt he should carry out the procedure. Eventually, the patient gave in and just said ‘get on with it’. There had been a vote and he agreed he should respect the vote. They chopped off his arm and he realised what a huge mistake he had made. His life was never the same. He couldn’t play golf, go to work, drive a car or do any of the things he could do before the vote!!!! Interesting.

Had a walk round McCarthur Glen and purchased some cheap ish New Balance trainers.

Listened to various Brexit podcasts on the way back and reached Northants four ish. Collected tablets from Tesco and watched Death in Paradise. Nice to have a hot bath and use a toilet in a house for the first time in several weeks!!

Had a walk round Rushden lakes in the afternoon. It was a lovely afternoon, but not sure it merited some old boy sitting outside the shops with his top off! Bit early for that.

Sorted some stuff out for the return to Pembrokeshire!

What else. Managed to install (with assistance!) bracket thing to store table in door in back of van. Good effort. Mistress Melanie sent some more stuff re: Portugal property.

Brief stop at ‘Go Outdoors’ Cardiff (didn’t buy anything), before pressing on to the West. Cup of tea and a Welshcake at Morrison’s in Carmarthen.

Arrived at Gran”s to find that Justin had done some stripping in the lounge and had also got rid of the bloody carpet!!

Went to the gym down the road and paid £15 for a weeks membership.

Went to Mamgu’s Welshcake Cafe for brecwast. Had savoury Welshcakes (cheese and leek) with cheesy beans. Very nice.

Called in to a VW garage/repair place near Vincent Davies garden centre. Nice old boy there. Bit of a hippie type. He went on a road trip too. France, Italy, Switzerland etc.

Came back and stripped, stripped, stripped. Lounge 80% done. Went to the gym and did an hour on the elliptical thing. Got talking to a German bloke called Peter in the changing rooms (not like that!). He came over here last year to do the Ironman, met a woman from Saundersfoot and ended up living in Landshipping!! Nice old boy.

Back to Gran’s for Pot Noodle and Top Gear on the IPad. Rudely interrupted by Officer Dibble shining his bloody torch through the window at 21:30. !!!!

Did two smelly fish water loads of stripping the. Went to the gym. An hour of uphill walking and then, guess what. Another bizarre conversation in the changing room. This time with an old boy who had brought his grandson (Dylan) in for swimming lessons. Nice old boy. Falklands veteran. Told me old all about it. He was on the same ship (Sir Galahad) that Simon Weston was on! Why do people talk to me!!??

Had a coffee in gym cafe afterwards. Nice place.

Back to ‘Project Strip’. \240By 2pm the lounge is done. Don’t think there’s anything else to bloody strip in the bungalow, although I’m sure Justin will find something!!

Drove to Carmarthen as a special treat! Aren’t I lucky. Nice cheese sandwich in market cafe. Really good mug of tea. Very impressed. Miserable afternoon weather wise - pissed down. Must invest in a better jacket at some point. Drove back through Laugharne with the idea of possibly stopping there tonight. No. Bloody signs everywhere saying ‘no overnight camping etc’. They really hate campervans in Wales. So different in Portugal!!!!

Saw a static caravan for sale in St Clears. A little bit tempted. Could do it up like the ‘Indie Projects’ have sorted their caravan. Just a thought. Gives me a Welsh base. Popped in the Coop and got tea stuff and then called in to the Begelly Arms for a vino.

Swansea beat Bolton 2-0

Nice baguette. Booked bed and breakfast in Castelo Branco whilst munching on bacon and egg.

Storm Freya full on by the time I left the cafe. Back to Gran’s and did some sorting. Made a bit of progress. Big tip run needed tomorrow.

Popped to Tenby Coop to get Pot Noodle and some reduced sandwiches.

Another bloody full van load to the tip. Wonder how many trips there’s been. Nice bacon sandwich at ‘The Moorings’. Well busy in there. Thought I saw Alun Thompson when I came out and hid! is that bad? Went to the Post Office and got some passport photos done. Appointment booked for 11:30 for International Driving Permit. Bloody Brexit. Best to plan ahead. Discovered it wasn’t Alun and I was guilty of stereotyping bald men. My bad.

Back to Post Office and paid £11 to have two International Driving Permit’s done. Like something from the Second World War!

Drove over to Haverfordwest and Justin invited me down for a tea. He’s got a new cover for his main yellow van and has installed some fitted blinds on his secondary yellow van! Paid a cheque from taxman into HSBC account.

Called in the new library and had a tea and granola bar in the cafe.

Bloody freezing tonight. Hailstones on way back to Gran’s. Went to gym for an hour and got cheap pasta meal from Coop. Moved microwave into lounge. Radical thing to do.

Took loads of sodding and sodden sandbags from the back garden round to the skip. Hard work! Justin came over and we eventually managed to get the big settee and one armchair into his van. Chuckle Brothers! He knocked his knee and I nearly pissed myself laughing! Not the done thing. Bought him some cawl in Tenby to ease the pain!!

Went to Carmarthen after the tip run. Popped in Cotswold Outdoor or whatever it’s called and made the mistake of asking the young old boy about waterproof jackets. 45 minutes later, I went for a lie down in M and S cafe totally confused about Goretex, Rupal, and is lower denier better than higher denier??

Microwave mac and chilli cheese or something for tea.

Justin turned up at 10:30 quickly followed by the posh lady from the antique shop in Tenby in her Volvo. Basically, nothing of any interest for her, but she inspired Justin to put anything that wasn’t nailed down on ‘Pembrokeshire Bay’. Within the hour he had sold some pine effect furniture, a painting and a washing mashing!

I took another load of stuff over to the charity shop in Pembroke and cleverly let by Halifax and Tesco Clubcard slip down the dashboard into the twilight zone between the dash and no mans land. Once Justin had stopped laughing, he did utilise a spatula, a bread knife and a long pointy thing to cleverly extract them. I was quickly on eBay to order a bit of rubber trim for £9.99 to prevent a similar mishap in the future!!

Recovered my composure and cards and had a tea and done lunch with Justin before popping into Haverfordwest for a bit. Called in gym for last visit on way back.

Really cold today. Just couldn’t get warm. Got a coffee in Tenby then back to Gran’s to meet man for Fridge and freezer. Quick trip to coop to get some tea, then early night in an attempt to stay warm.

Stopped at Sainsbury’s in Rugby for a tea and toilet and to get some tea stuff. Mistress Melanie has emailed and I will transfer some funds to Lilian’s the lawyer later. Also cancelled my ‘Harry’s’ shave plan.

Back to Northants in ‘good time’. Still bloody cold.

Apparently some bloke randomly knocked on the door at 22:00 (unconfirmed!)

Collected new printer from Argos to print car hire details and sorted some clothes to stick in rucksack later. Justin called with update about caravan viewing. Generally positive. He said it backed onto the road, and didn’t have much outside space, but otherwise ok. Justin then phoned back about twelve times with various ideas. Think he is going to speak to Tony (next door) and see if he knows of any other caravans etc. I’ll hang on a day or so and liaise with Justin again, otherwise I might go that Plan A. Price is the main factor, plus location.

Spoke to Mistress Melanie in Portugal. All being well, will rendezvous with her at the property at 2pm tomorrow.

Early night. No dramas.

Had a coffee on plane. Sunny up in the sky and busy on board. Wonder where everyone is going to? I know they are going to bloody Portugal, but why, what for etc.

Anyway. Slept for eight seconds. Think I was having rude thoughts, so thought I’d better wake up. Landed (smooth). Found car hire shuttle bus and sorted car out. VW something. Drove across Portugal. Like I hadn’t been away. Odd. Stopped for some lunch at a services and a wee at Pedrógão Grande. Arrived at Monte Fidalgo a bit later than planned and met Mistress Melanie. Bit emotional when she toook me up the land. Does that sound rude?? It’s wonderful. Amazing views. I said to MM what’s that over there? She casually answered - ‘Spain’!!

Then she showed me the sheds, the land, the well, the olive trees, the barn, the orange trees. Yes. I’ll buy it.

Drove into Castelo Branco and spent a weird half hour listening to various solicitors reading legal Portuguese forms. I signed a few things and then they said congratulations!!! I own a piece of Portugal. I think?? Weird.

Found B and B. Cool enough. Wondered into Castelo Branco (henceforth known as CB) and had a vino (27 pence) whilst watching croaky Theresa getting trounced again.

Hungry by this time, so had a scrummy burger and chips in a nice place with nice helpful staff and a nice glass of red wine. It was nice.

Walked up to the top of CB. Amazing views.

Left CB and headed back to Monte Fidalgo (henceforth known as MF). Drove through one village and had to stop and pull over to let a funeral procession pass through. Took a load of pictures and some videos of ‘the land’. \240Even tried an orange and realised there is also a lemon tree!!

Went to Vila Velha de Ródão for lunch. The river Tejo flows through this industrial town and I dined in a nice place down by the water.

Called into MF again on way back and drove down an incredibly steep rode to the river. EE said ‘welcome to Spain!!’.

Had another orange and walked round the village. So quiet. Saw some goats and a man delivering some bread!

Incredible views. Picnic and barbecue place down at the bottom of the big hill. Long walk back up!

Ready for lunch by the time I got to MF. Picnic in the sunshine in the meadow looking over to Spain. Cool. Did some pruning round the well, then cleared the shed by the ‘piggery’! .

Stopped at Cafe O Rato in Alfrivida for a coke on way back to CB. Nice little bar. Sat outside in the sunshine watching the goats and sheep in the field across the road. Birds of prey type things soaring about in the distance. Idyllic.

Had a walk round CB when I got back. Coffee and Pastel da Nata in the late afternoon sunshine.

After another hour of fun watching Theresa actually winning some votes in the Brexit debacle, I popped out for some tea. Had lovely garlic cod and potatoes and got talking to some Portugese people in the restaurant. That’s never happened before! Really nice bloke told me a lot about the area, Portugese politics etc. Nice evening. Much fun.

Bravely went to the ‘barberio’ for a much needed trim. Seemed to work out ok. Drove to Froia to the River Beach. Only about 40 mins from CB. Lovely place. Water a bit cold today, but imagine it would be a welcome (and busy) sanctuary in the summer. Popped in the cafe where several old boys were having humongous lunches of cabbage, stew, more stew and more cabbage. I settled for a coffee and had a nice chat with the chef about rugby, Wales and his formative years in France.

Forgot to report that I popped in to the cathedral in CB after my morning trim. Another peaceful sanctuary.

Slow drive back to CB in the afternoon. Went back the scenic route. More stunning rivers and mountains.

Out for tea at slightly posher establishment. Had veal and mushroom stew. Muito bon.

Justin called to say he’d got a good price on a kitchen - told him to proceed and headed off to MF. Had another wander round the ‘land’. Lots of ideas again.

Walked into the village and found a little cafe/bar. Nobody spoke any English, but was cool. Cafe sort of attached to the village hall which was adorned with stag’s heads and loads of wild boar. People seemed tidy enough and sort of explained that they had wondered who this strange loon had been hanging round the village like a bad smell for the last few days!

When I got back to the land, the old boy from over the lane came across. We had an amazing conversation for about half an hour. He spoke no English and I don’t speak any Portuguese, but we sort of got by.

Drove back to CB and watched the rugby in the square on my phone. Wales were awesome, but I was distracted by large numbers of young women (and some men) in tight fitting ‘uniforms’. No idea what they were doing there? University type thing??

Last night in CB and out for tea at Restaurant Penguim, where, contrary to popular belief, they do not actually serve penguin on the menu. Not even the chocolate bar.

Had a wonderful steak and some excellent wine from Northern Portugal. Muito Bon.

Met Paulo at apartment. Bit scuzzy. But it will do, I suppose. Nice old boy.

Had a walk around the vicinity; got my bearings (what the hell does that mean?) and then went to Pingo Doce for some late night chocolate and some teatime nuts.

Had a bath! First in nearly a week. It even had a jacuzzi function. Too scared!! Popped into the cafe/bar over the road for a vino and had an interesting chat with Shania (not her real name). Discussion about Portuguese wine, learning languages and the price of fish. Also had a not so interesting conversation with Alberto (his real name) who was absolutely shitfaced. Poor old boy. Adjourned to the restaurant up the road and had a half frango; half fries and half bottle of vino!!

Back to ‘Casa Paulo’. Boa Noite.

Bus worked fine. Took me right into the main square. Bit cold at first, but quickly warmed up and was a lovely Spring day. Lots of walking along both sides of the river. Great, relaxed atmosphere.

Sat and had a baguette for lunch in the sunshine listening to the ‘CocoPilots’. Very talented. Think I’ve mentioned before how the Portugese police deploy traffic officers (armed) to supervise roadworks. Today in the central square in Porto, a traffic cop was standing guard in front of an open manhole cover, where engineers were doing some work. Quality policing.

Got back to the apartment in time to hear Speaker Bercow put a very big spanner in Theresa May’s works! (so to speak!).

Bit of a sort out and out for last tea. Pork and ‘ships’ and lots of them!!

Managed to get into Pingo Doce to get some emergency chocolate before it hit and noticed a female police officer (again armed) patrolling at the rear of the store. Did me think twice about nicking the 54 cent bar of choccy woccy.

Funny things plane. Funny things people. Some bloke sat across from me asked about being upgraded on an EasyJet flight!! I think there might have been some empty seats nearer the front with more leg room. He got his move. How sad is he?? There’s a woman two rows in front who has stood up for the last hour. She keeps popping pills, looks bloody dreadful and will do well to make it to Luton. Maybe she had a heavy night last night. I’m sure she ordered a whisky when the trolley dolly came round. Hope it helped. She’s just sat down. Allah be praised.

Back to Luton ok. Got van. Stopped at Bedford for lunch and tea supplies. Quite tired!!

Lunch at Sainsbury’s. Ok. But... probably twice or three times as much as I was paying last week in Castelo Branco!!

Popped to the Gaslow factory and spoke to Louise who said I wouldn’t need that many bits. She has sent me some local contacts for fitting.

Never mind. Will go back to the proverbial drawing board and look at some other possible options.

The Brexit March was hooge - over a million. Bloody good effort. Popped to Leicester in the afternoon/evening! Justin tang worth some new caravan ideas.

Interesting afternoon/evening. Few difficult bends to negotiate, but seemed to straighten things out ok.

Don’t ask!!

Further stop at Llanelli and then on to Gran’s in good time. Justin called to say he was coming over!! He said that things with him and T not good! Into Tenby for beer therapy. Nice nachos at the ‘Billycan’.

Woke early in Tenby. Fear of parking mafia! Beautiful morning.

Bacon sandwich at ‘The Moorings’ then off on a caravan hunt. Rush of blood and bought one in Carmarthen!! Should be ready in two weeks. Justin managed to get £600 off as well. Popped to ‘Buttles’ to see ‘Brasso’ about a possible pitch, then on to a dozen other sites to compare and contrast. Managed to bugger my back walking down a hill to the reception on one site. How stupid!

Delicate evening spent trying not to exacerbate the situation.

Went and bought a TENS machine after doing tip run. It helped!! Booked another flight to Portugal for early May. Yay!

Joined gym in Kilgetty for a month. Did some walking on treadmill and had sauna. Back for pot noodle and another session with TENS machine. Theresa said she will resign to get her deal sorted. What a load of bollocks.

Doorstep toast for breakfast then back to Gran’s for some more clearing. Mowed lawn, sorted back garden a bit and had a general tidy up. Need to get some more bags for Henry the Hoover. Think Poundland in Tenby do them. Justin tang to say he might call over later. Emailed Mistress Melanie in Portugal and have her some feedback - bit late, but she seemed impressed with it! She also gave me the name of an English speaking German who does general land clearing etc. Might be useful.

Walked into St David’s and narrowly missed an old boy fall off his tricycle. We commented as he went past us going down the hill. Two minutes later, there were cars in the road picking him up off the floor!! Must have tried to take the bend too fast. Not funny!

Theresa lost her vote again. Give it up. Please! Justin made a curry. Very good. Nice showers. Justin somehow managed to rupture his telly aerial totally buggering it. Ironically only a short while after telling me what a wonderful picture he had!!

Interesting evening in St David’s. Good conversations in ‘Farmers Arms’. Few people remembered Uncle Eric and one old boy reckoned he knew Billy Williams.

Had a late drink in the RAFA Club. Didn’t stay too long as Justin ‘hit the wall’ !!

Back to Gran’s to meet Dave ‘the tiler’. Nice old boy, but god he could talk. Told us every bloody detail of his recent cabal holiday. Justin started to go a bit glazed at one point!!

After we managed to extricate Dave from the premises, we adjourned to campsite number two. Well Parl on the outskirts of Tenby. Having booked in we went and bought a hook up lead for Justin and got some lunch in Tenby.

Quiet afternoon at campsite; then in to Tenby for an equally quiet evening. Nice chips at the Sand Bar to start. Several beers later!!!!! Ended up in the Prince of Wales. Got a taxi back at silly o’clock. Enough said.

Delicate was the word of the day this morning. Followed by confusion. Justin managed to lose his keys. Twenty minutes of frantic searching ensued before he found them in his shoe, where he had put them for ‘safekeeping’ !!!!

Quietist day. Got some bits in Pembroke Dock and had a tea and scone mid afternoon in Pembroke. Supposed to be meeting Justin, Iori and Mia later to put flowers on the grave in Begelly.

What a surprise. Justin has taken the children to do the flowers and forgotten to tell me! Silly boy. Met them at the Chinese (didn’t partake at that time of day! Wrong)

Early night. Tired.

Thought I would be sensible and guide Justin to the cheaper tiles on promotion at Wickes. An extra 15 % off today. Failed miserably. Quite depressing really. Bit battered by it. Never mind.

Washing day as well. Found a launderette in Pembroke Dock. Weird weather. Huge hailstorm whilst in launderette. Justin popped round to do some sanding, but had to abandon this within minutes due to extreme coughing!! Masks needed!!!!

Broke the decorating monotony with tea and cake at Vincent Davies. Popped in to see Luigi the tyre man. Ordered two rear tyres. Booked in for Friday.

Spent a few hours filling and sanding. Despite wearing a mask and looking like a right weirdo, I’m sure I ingested a ton and a half of plaster dust!!

Drove to Carmarthen in the afternoon to escape the Sahara dust storm. Bloody monsoon there! Contrast I suppose!!

Popped into Haverfordwest afterwards for a haircut. Barber woman has a T5 - think half the population of Pembrokeshire has!! Onto Solva for lunch at Mamgu Welshcakes. Vegetarian Cawl because the mainstream Cawl has all gone! Had a walk along the cliff path in Solva - good scenery.

Went over to St David’s to see John Blek at the Crypt. Talented musician and funny guy. Few quiet drinks at the Farmers and another visit to the RAFA club!!

Back to Gran’s. More filling, more sanding, more bloody dust. Early night. Until Justin decided to pop at silly o’clock!!

Gym done. Drove to Freshwater West for the most amazing breakfast roll. Bacon, egg, cheese, laverbread, chilli sauce. Hooge. Wonderful setting too.

Drove up to Llanelli to escape an afternoon of dust. Bought some cheap sandwiches for tea and a reduced Animal top. Stopped at Ferryside on the way back. Car hire booked for next Portugal trip.

Met Bex et all in Wellingborough later for tea at the lounge and then went to room escape afterwards. Met Jay (nice old boy). Room escape very tough!! Failed!!

Stopped at Ross for a sandwich, then on to Cardiff to meet Tom to give him his Easter eggs. Bit of a saga. Drove to his place of work, then had to follow him into Teacoyin Cardiff- Unfortunately we were both at different Tesco’s!! Got there in the end and handed over the eggs and £50!!

Summonsed to Kiln Park to meet Justin and the children at their holiday caravan. Drove into Tenby and had a snack tea at the BillyCan. Back to the caravan to watch Justin on Pick tv!!

Has a walk round Kiln Park. Hooge place. Went on the slits before going into Tenby for lunch. Nice bowl of cawl. Justin deteriorating rapidly!

Caravan arrived in the afternoon. Brasso and the boys levelled it out etc. Got some bits sorted, then went to Haverfordwest to collect Iori from work

Got some more caravan bits. Lots to learn. Getting there. I think?? Met Justin and crew at Ritec Valley Quads. Not as easy as it looks!!!! \240Bloody terrified for first half hour. Then seemed to get the hang of it and actually started to enjoy it. Poor Mia went arse over tip in the tricky section and wacked her collar bone on the handlebars. Iori said he’d never seen Justin run so fast!!

Bought them all tea and cake to get over the shock. Justin brought one of Gran’s many telly’s over for the caravan. Forgot the remote and aerial, so popped over to Haverfordwest to get an aerial. Seems to work ok. Lots of fun trying to sort the toilet out. Couldn’t understand why lots of wee kept congregating in the locker where the cassette is, instead of in the actual cassette. Bit of research on YouTube revealed that there is a handle on the side of the toilet you have to pull when you have done your business!! Learning process.

Popped up the Begelly Arms for a nice glass of vino after a much needed shower to get rid of the quad grime.

Did some supply shopping in Carmarthen then popped in Gran’s. Fence panel at back seemed to have come down? Bit odd. Justin changes plans (again). Never mind. Went to Saundersfoot for a drink at The Chemist. Very busy everywhere. Tide right in.

Did some reconnaissance for the photo shoot later. Potential location identified at the harbour. Unfortunately this plan might have to he amended as we then heard a load of sirens and saw on Twitter that both lifeboats because lots of people had been cut off by the tide!! Photo man arrived eventually. Initially talked about taking night shots of the van that has the bloody Milky Way in the background???? Mad. Several hours later, the photo shoot was completed at the campsite and we were able to go into Tenby for a much needed drink and something to eat. Leanne managed to finish everyone’s food in the Sand Bar and even asked to stop at the kebab shop on the way back

There were some strong winds in one or two of the camper vans apparently which might have been a consequence of the jalapeños in the ‘loaded fries’. I unfortunately had a serious coughing fit at 3 am eternal and was in mortal danger for several minutes. The situation was exacerbated when I had a panic attack when I noticed the logo on my t shirt on the moonlight and thought it was a ninja warrior trying to attack me! Quite a relaxed night!!

Drove into St David’s for tea. Fish and chips (and scampi for L) at the Bishops. Popped in the Farmers Arms for a pint before retiring for the evening.

Stopped at Haverfordwest and managed to find the holiday rucksack I’ve been looking for. Leanne departed for Northamptonshire and I went to Pentlepoir to assist Justin who had already emulsiones the hall and kitchen ceiling by the time I arrived. After an intensive training course I was allowed to do some painting in the hallway, but was continually corrected for putting too much paint on the wall. I was then admonished for not cleaning the roller properly at the end of the shift and got soaked in my panic as the hosepipe went rogue and created a paint roller vortex!!! With strict instructions not to bloody touch the hallway or go anywhere near the paint unless supervised, I adjourned to the caravan for a stiff drink and an early night!!

Drove back through Haverfordwest and got a ready meal for tea. Took Justin’s advice and cleaned the van by hand! He text at teatime to say he was at Gran’s doing some strumming??? Popped to watch him in action. Denny has done a good job plastering etc.

Swansea drew with Hull ending their faint play off ambitions. Never mind. Fish pie for tea.

Dropped bin back; collected trial contact lenses; popped to Riverside; took Oscar for long walk. Another quiet relaxing day!!

Decent flight; decent landing. Can’t ask for much more. Sorted hire car out ok. Nice new fiesta with a weird lane departure warning system that freaked me out and made the steering wobble like a bloody wheel was coming off!! Leanne had her first taste of driving abroad. Did ok, fair play. Arrived in Castelo Branco four ish and sorted the accommodation out. Nice big apartment near the centre.

Had a walk round CB and had a fish supper!

Leanne drove like a natural Portuguese driver back to ‘the land’. We had a better tour and made some plans which we will send to our new friends David and Pedro next week. Found more plants, trees, etc that I didn’t know existed! Figs, nuts, wild peas!!!! And loads of bloody spiky things that stick in your socks and shoes! Bastards to get out.

Had a nice walk round the village and popped in the secret bar. The man seemed to remember me!! So good.

A natural swinger!! \240Drove back to CB a different route. Stopped at outdoor swimming pool which was closed despite it being 27 degrees!! Plan B - a walk around CB and an ice cream in the main square.

Pizza tea tonight.

Amazing place. Will definitely come back and spent more time here. Found a cafe for lunch then off to Tomar. Leanne drove like a ninja through the narrow streets and did three handbrake turns in the main square before parallel parking in the high street. Another cool town. A music festival was taking place all weekend, so a definite party atmosphere was in place. Slow walk up to the convent. What a building. A cross between Hogwarts, a stately home, a gothic castle and Buckingham Palace. Could have spend a day there.

Spent some more time walking round Tomar. Totally relaxed. Drove to the local river beach. Clever use of natural resources to create an oasis in the forest. The water was a little cold, and Leanne braved the main pool for a few minutes before declaring that she had gone into hypothermia and was about to have a heart attack!!! We didn’t stay in the water too long.

Nice drive back to CB. Quick slice of leftover Pizza then out to tea. Found a cool little place where the waiter was really friendly and helpful in his attempts to explain the menu to us. Fish soup to start. Bacalau and roasted pork for main course. Shared a bottle of wine and a chocolate mousse for afters. We were treated to some medronho after the meal and were amazed when we got the bill - €16!!!!

Some very glamorous people out this morning!

After breakfast, we visited the Bishop’s Gardens (free!). Very pretty, relaxing and extremely well looked after place.

After a quick drink, we ascended 95 flights in my case (8 in Leanne’s) to the highest point of Castelo Branco. Amazing 360 views of the surrounding area.

Went and got some lunch and petrol and sat by the lake for a while. Leanne Attenborough spotted a Natterjack Turtle in the lake. Cute little thing. The turtle, not Leanne!

Had a walk round B and Q (Portuguese version) and then went to the Forum shopping centre, where Leanne got a couple of groovy t shirts.

Backed to the apartment thingy and quick change and out for tea. Stopped for a vino/cidre and tried some yummy snails. Leanne bravely digested one after staring at it for twenty minutes.

Burgers tonight. Very good.

On to Monsanto. What a place. Another castle perched on top of a mega hill with panoramic views. Brilliant driving from Leanne up into the town. Delicate encouragement at times; ‘come on little car’, to not so delicate; ‘come on you bastard!!’.

Monsanto is a town built out of massive boulders. They are everywhere and look as if they will slip and crush the town at any minute. As they have been in place for centuries and this hasn’t happened yet, that last comment sounds a bit daft, but it is such an unusual experience.

Back to CB and out for tea at Pinguim where unfortunately fresh penguin were unavailable tonight. Leanne settled for half a cow instead and a customary chocolate mousse was shared.

Back for a quick breakfast where I cleverly managed to get chocolate all over my t shirt!

Fell into Leanne’s cunning trap when she offered to drive in the morning (first time on the trip). I soon realised that this was not some kind gesture on her part, but a devious ruse to ensure I would be driving into Porto!! Fascist.

Weather not so good today. Quite murky when we set off; a lot colder; and steady rain by the time we reached Coimbra. We sort of dodged the showers and had a couple of hours in Coimbra. Found a church, had lunch, bought some sardines for Justin and Leanne took another 78 pictures.

The drive to the apartment in Porto wasn’t too bad, and the place is pretty good too. Renato (host) met us and gave us a quick tour. Very modern apartment with copious amounts of bathrooms. I was assigned my own toilet and clearly told to do my own jobs in that little room. Leanne spent an hour opening and closing every cupboard in the place????

Walked to local chicken ish restaurant. Leanne has half a dose (of chicken) and I had lamb with rice and chips. Good bottle of wine and probably the best chocolate mousse we have shared on the trip so far. €20. Mental.

Bit cold in Porto and definitely windy walking across the bridges. Luckily Leanne’s Afro pealed ovee water and formed a shield for us and a dozen tourists to shelter behind.

Visited the church with the hidden house and the bookshop that inspired JK Rowling. Lots of walking, one or two photos and another cathedral to finish the day off. Back on the 601 to the apartment.

Last. Ugh the and tea at a local Portuguese restaurant. Sea bass and pork was shared.

Fair old wait standing in the queue to board, but then we were wizzed on to the plane quite quickly. Dull, cold and grey back in Luton. Stopped at Costa in Olney for a late lunch. Very hungry by this time (four o’clock!!).

An evening of washing, pizza, van insurance and sleep.

Nice evening in Leicester. Good conversation and some interesting experiences. Leanne put her foot in it slightly when she did her best James Herriot impression!!

Called in to Go Outdoors to get some bits and then on to Rugby on way back. The fleet of camper vans returned to Bozeat eight ish. Fish cakes, salad and Taskmaster. Goodnight.

Passed. Advisory that rear brake pads will need doing soon, so booked them in for Wednesday morning. Found a garage that might be able to do some work on Leanne’s T4 in Wellingborough. Booked in for service tomorrow! Nice lunch at place in middle of nowhere between Kettering and Corby.

On to Corby to get some bits from the Range and also got some stuff for Sam’s birthday. Drove to MK and had (expensive) meal at Bananna Splits or something before escaping just in time from a fiendish escape room!

Popped into Boots opticians in MK and collected some old lenses to take to appointment in Rushden this afternoon. Lunch at Harold Country Park before quick visit to eye woman at the lakes. Coffee at the magazine shop and back to Bozeat for burgers and Taskmaster.

Brakes done. Try not to stop until they have bedded in or something like that??? What the hell does that mean?? \240Picnic lunch purchased at Waitrose. Consumed at Great Houghton. Got another T4 quote at St James before driving to Rugby via Lutterworth (avoiding low bridges) - sensible in the Corsa. Coffee and hot chocolate at Kuni’s.

Last episode of series 5 of Taskmaster. Bob Mortimer victorious.

Realised that I was the youngest customer in the tea shop by at least thirty years!!!

Stopped at Bridgend. Resisted temptation in the New Balance shop and bought some £3 Harry Potter pants in the Next clearance shop.

Got some supplies (and an Amazon Firestick) from Sainsbury’s and then on to Pentlepoir. Met Justin who talked about buying me out of the bungalow!!!

Caravan all intact. Unloaded van. Erected firestick and went for jog before tea.

Went to see a woman about curtains for the caravan. The witch with the twitch or something like that?? She totally bamboozled me with materials, drops, rails and tassels! Lost the plot when I got back to the van and went all minimalist and took all the old curtains down and decided I will stock with blinds. I am so rebellious.

Also, I joined Haverfordwest library. The old boy looked a little perplexed when I showed home my driving licence and the Bozeat address! Never mind. It worked. Got printing done.

Called into Merlins Bridge post office and got some cheap rum for Saturday shindig!

All settled with my mackerel tea and looking forward to an early night, when Justin rang to say he was popping in! Hurrah!

Popped to Gran’s and did some demolition on the garden wall. Slightly therapeutic! Back to caravan for a bit, then across to Newgale to meet Justin who was escorting the cycle Tour of Pembrokeshire. Big event.

Eventually linked up with a Justin again at Trehale Farm in Mathry. Well it’s actually five bloody miles from Mathry in the middle of nowhere! Crazy place. Barn. Bar. Beer. Food. Amazing toilets. Marvellous music. Much fun.

Spent the afternoon at Gran’s doing further renovations etc in the back garden. Justin rashly decided to take the sledgehammer to the pond and ten thousand gallons of water descended on to the patio. Fortunately the remaining 20 or so goldfish took refuge in the murky depths of the pond and will be tackled again tomorrow!!

Justin kindly devoted some time to help me erect the awning Buttles had gave me. Tidy job. Got some pegs, and will finish erecting tomorrow.

Went to watch Iori play football in Whitland in the evening. Good game. Whitland won 4-3z

Walked another three miles to the Coop to get supplies for Delia to make breakfast in his new ‘slide pod’ awning.

Eventually managed to venture into Hay for a burger and a few beers. A steady night.